Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Shower

We all have our rituals I guess. Don't worry, I know what you're thinking. "I don't want to know about his shower." Not to worry, you wont get a lot of detail here.

As I was saying, we all have rituals, things we do, habits we get into. It's important for me to follow order. I think I may have already addressed this. But the point I want to make here is the danger of too many bottles in the shower.

I know it doesn't seem like an urgent matter to you, but believe me when I tell you, having too many bottles in the shower is hazardous to your health. If anything happens catastrophic, who will you call? Unless you have one of those "I have fallen and can't get up" devices hanging around your neck, no one will hear you.

Besides, those things have never made any sense to me. More than likely, if you fall, it'll be IN the shower. That little plastic thingy will be sitting safely on the bathroom counter top while your pretzeled body writhes in the soapy shower pan with the door magnetically sealed shut. What help will that thing be then? But, again, I digress.

There seems to be a collection of bottles of various soaps on our shower sill. I don't know where these things come from. All I use is the shampoo pump bottle. The others contain stuff I never use, like conditioner, body lotion, and I don't know what else. But they seem to keep multiplying. It's getting a little precarious now with so many joining me in the shower. Each time I reach down to get some shampoo (and I use the pump so I don't have to fiddle with unscrewing the top of something), there's another bottle perched on the sill.

Today, while sudsing my hair, one of the bottles dumped over and spilled it's contents into the shower pan. While I bent down to retrieve it, the shampoo soap ran into my eyes, stinging them. Now I couldn't see what was under my foot. I partially stepped on the corner of the cap and sent it rocketing to the other side of the shower where upon it ricocheted off the opposing wall and spun to the center, over the drain. So now, my eyes were closed and they stung. I bend over to feel around for the stupid cap and spilled a bottle of slippery fluid. Precarious at best. All I want to do is shower and leave. I don't want to skate around the shower kicking at bottles and caps I never use, like some crazed nude hockey player.

This caused a lot of ruckus and some time later I was finally able to regain my footing, get out, and dry off. Escaping another day in the glass chamber.

Now, I know, my wife would say all these bottles are necessary. But I'd be willing to use bar soap for my hair, doing without the shampoo bottle, if it made the shower a safer place.

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. -Maurice Chevalier


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