Sunday, January 08, 2006

Stop Asking Me Stupid Questions

I'm so tired of people asking me stupid questions. Like, for example, at a craft shop:

"Would you like to join our membership website?"

"Ah, no thanks."

"You can get great discounts and we'll notify you of store specials!"


"Okay, is that all then?"

"Yes, it's all. If it weren't all I'd still be roaming this store mindlessly. But here I stand in this cashier's line, while you asked each and every person if they want to join your membership, and all I want to do is give you my money and pay for this stuff. Here I stand in front of you now, stop asking me stupid questions and take my money!"

"Will that be cash or charge?"


Even at the pump I'm asked endless questions about my purchase. Just yesterday, after inserting my card into the pump, it asked: "Zip code?" Why in the world would the pump care where my house is? I'm in a car, obviously needing gas. Stop asking me stupid questions!

So I punched in my zip, but then it asked what type of gas I wanted. Some young people take this stuff for granted but in the old days you just drove up to the pump with the correct octane. You didn't have to think, once you got to the right pump. In fact, the guy at the station pumped your gas while you listened to your radio. But that's another issue.

Now they pump all the different types of gas through the same hose. My point is, now you have answer stupid questions these ignorant machines keep asking. Come on, can't the machines tell what kind of gas my car needs? I just gave it my credit card! I use it to pay my car insurance. That means I can only be driving one of two cars. Everyone knows a Porsche requires high octane. So stop asking me dumb questions!

Anyway I dispensed the gas and returned the nozzle. But then the real questions began:

"Would you like a discounted car wash?"

NO! (Where is the NO key?)

Every pump has a different keypad configuration. Sometimes the NO is located at the left, sometimes at the right. Where is the NO? I found the NO. I pushed it.

"Would you like to purchase something from our convenience mart?"


"Does this complete your purchase?"

NO, I mean YES. (Shoot, where is the YES button. I'm going to blow a gasket.)

"Do you want a printed receipt?"

NO! NO! NO! Stop these silly questions, please. I'll do anything. I'll pay more per gallon. Anything!

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Stop this madness!

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate -- that's my philosophy. -Thornton Wilder from The Skin of Our Teeth, 1942