Sunday, January 30, 2005


While out to dinner with some friends the subject turned to weirdos we've met. You know, people that turn out to be so strange we begin to conclude there is something truly wrong. Sometimes you can tell right away that they are one fry short of a Happy Meal. At other times it takes a while to realize their chimney is clogged.

I met a guy who was dressed impeccably. He was friendly. He asked intelligent questions and responded like a normal person. All was going fine until he said (and remember I'd just met him not three minutes ago):

'I hate to trouble you with my problems but how can I find a job?'

Huh, had I missed the turn signal? Where are we going? It took me a minute or two before I said:

'How long have you been out of work?'

'Since 1992.'

I've got a weird one on my hands. There was no one around to pass him to. I'm stuck. I'm at a formal gathering. What do I do? Just then Ruth walked up. I introduced her to him and then was going to say that we really have to get going. But Ruth was fast, she said 'Nice to meet you.' and was gone. What happened? I'm still stuck. I guess I was in denial because I began trying to figure out how this guy could be out of work for so long. Later, Ruth and I were talking about it. I gave her a few of the details I'd learned.

She said: 'I knew as soon as I walked up that the lights were on but nobody was home.'

'How could you tell?'

'His glassy eyes.'

How could I have missed that?

But Ruth got her weirdo. She was standing in a line at the Post Office. Some guy in front of her turns around and stares. After several backward glances he said: 'Would you please put that necklace clasp in the back? It really bothers me.' Ruth quickly shifted the lobster claw clasp of her herringbone gold necklace to the back of her neck.

I told Ruth she should have said: 'Hey buddy, face the front and it won't bother you, you weirdo'

How weird is that? Can you imagine someone hung up on a necklace clasp showing? And he feels impelled to announce that he's lost his Oreo stuffing. I mean that's what happened right? Imagine what the other people standing in line were thinking. If I were one of them I'd be checking for his face on the Wanted posters on the wall.

On second thought I said: 'Nah, you'd better do as he says and watch your back when you go to your car.'

Someone else in our group told about her escalator experience. She was traveling with her husband who was standing behind her. A man next to her kept staring at her shoes. Finally he said: 'Those are very nice shoes, I mean very nice shoes.' (No wonder he's taking the escalator, his elevator doesn't go to the top floor, if you know what I mean.)

A third person in our party told us about a guy they once knew who collected woman's shoes. Not new shoes but used shoes. He liked the smell. His wife discovered it and blew the whistle. Creepy. This guy's cheese slid right off his cracker.

I guess some folks don't pick up all the channels, either that or their remote's missing a few buttons, if you get my drift.

Their body is by Fisher but their brains are by Mattel.


Some people just have too much yardage between the goal posts.