Sunday, December 04, 2005

Grover's Visit

My brother-in-law is in town at some technical class. I don't fully understand it but it has something to do with computers and a calibration machine for your body. Don't ask me how it works, I couldn't tell you. All I know is it's helped thousands and Grover has purchased one to complement his electronic wave machine.

The story is, he'll measure your body's biometrics with the new machine and treat what ails you with the one he built. He's doing well by it. Was out of country and sold almost one hundred of these machines just last month.

But I think he's approaching it all wrong.

It has been said that laughter is the best medicine. Grover can make you laugh. I was laughing so hard I had to step out of the dining room to catch my breath. He ought to just tell stores. People would get better and he'd make millions

He re-told the story of his Jacuzzi experience. My stomach cramped as he told it last night and I was crying so hard I couldn't open my eyes.

The story goes that he was lounging in a Jacuzzi at some hotel in L.A. No one was around so he tilted his head back, put his arms up on the sides, and just listened to the quiet burbling water.

He glanced up at the rules, eyes half open, and read one of the guidelines: "Time in the pool not to exceed 20 minutes."

He laughed to himself, shrugged it off as simply a guideline and closed his eyes again.

Just as his eyelids shut out the light coming through the bubbles, he felt a tinge of uneasiness. It persisted. Then he became a little dizzy. He opened his eyes, adjusted himself and sat up on the edge of the pool, head down, feet dangling at the water's edge.

Like a fist in a knockout round his stomach wrenched and he swallowed hard. "I've got to get back to my room." he concluded. So he grabbed his towel and began trotting to the lobby and down the hall to the elevators.

When he reached the elevator and pressed the button, he pushed down another wrench with another hard swallow. Come on, he thought to himself, Where is that elevator?

As the numbers above the elevator showed above the doors, it was on it's way, but not fast enough.

Just then another wrench, and grabbing the only thing at his disposal to contain the contents, he held the towel corners to his mouth and emptied his dinner into it.

By then, the elevator had come, and it opened full of people. The people stared incredulously as Grover looked up from his dripping towel, now distended with the contents of his stomach. He wiped his mouth of the string of saliva and moved in. Not, however, before the elevator emptied it's contents of the disgusted riders.

There were additional heaves on the way up as the momentum of the ride compounded his challenged equilibrium, but not after stopping at several floors to receive the same reaction he got on the ground floor.

He reached his room and flung his loaded towel in the general vicinity of the bathroom. Aiming for the tub but missing his target like a blind man on a hunting expedition it missed it's mark, slapped the wall, and gave the bathroom interior a new coat of color

He lay, exhausted on the bed, awaiting the next violent wave.

His wife stepped in, minutes later, saw the tired body flung across the bed with it's arms and legs dangling over the edge. She asked the only thing a woman concerned for her husband would ask: "What in the world happened to the bathroom?"

Grover replied breathless: "Don't ask."

It's better to be rich and healthy then poor and sick. -Dave Barry