Friday, November 24, 2006

A case for laceless shoes

I don't know why anyone uses lace up shoes anymore. It makes no sense to me. I know laces are very popular, everyone is wearing them. But frankly I don't understand WHY people persist. There are better, superior ways to keep your shoes on.

I mean, why would anyone lace up when they can hook and loop, slip on, or zip up? None of my shoes have laces in them. From personal experience I can tell you my shoes never fall off. So then, really, what are laces for? Besides, shoes would be cheeper if you didn't have to pay for laces or even eyelets.

When I wore shoes with laces, they were always untying themselves. And I was always retying them. What a pain. It's a battle. Of course, I couldn't just stop anywhere to retie the laces. I had to find some surface to steady my shoe on, like for example, someone's coffee table.

I think laces are like a cats. You have to tend to them throughout your day. You can't just ignore them. They'll come back to haunt you. They'll untie themselves if for no other reason than to get your attention. If you leave them untied and ignore their whipping stings, eventually you'll trip over them. They only exist to remind you that you can't live without them. Just like cats.

Laces are time bombs. Sooner or later they'll detonate. As I walk through the day I can feel the clock ticking at my feet. I gradually feel them loosen and become increasingly disloyal. If I don't disarm the bomb, they'll explode in a tangle, trip me, and throw me to the floor in a helpless heap. Laces are assassins. They are dangerous. Why hasn't OSHA acted? They ought to step in and outlaw shoe laces altogether.

Personally, I don't own a pair of lace-up shoes. They are not part of my wardrobe. I don't believe in them.

The biggest pain of all comes when my laced-up friends arrive for dinner. I have a No-Shoes Policy in my home. So they stop and untie their shoes at the door. They usually can't stay as long as my slip-on friends because they spend much of their time untying and tying their shoes when they come and go. I usually try to invite them 15 minutes early so that they have their shoes off and are ready to eat by the time the rest of my slip-on friends arrive.

I'm polite and all. I hold the door open for them while they lean on the door frame and unlace. I wait patiently, making small talk. They teeter on one foot and then the other. They try to look me in the eye and untie at the same time, which is dicey. I've had to reach out and grab their arm and steady a few of them. We live on the second floor. I couldn't bear to see them tumble down the porch shoeless. I may need to change my policy to a Laceless No Shoe Policy. I don't want to be responsible for any lost souls cascading down the stairs of my home.

Laces should be outlawed. Lots of benefits could come from that: big insurance savings, less hospital stays, less slip, trip and falls. Even better, more time could be spent chatting with friends in their homes rather than standing at the door laced up. All of the advantages with none of the liabilities.

Lace up shoes are history.

Slip-ons are the future.

If I tell a funny joke in the forest but nobody laughs, is it still funny?