Sunday, February 04, 2007

Intrusive Appliances

I hate noisy appliances. I really hate them. They are so annoying.

I hate appliances that bleat and glow. I hate appliances that beep, and buzz, and bleep, and blink. Owning one of these things is like owning a spoiled only child. They incessantly vie for attention.

In the old days appliances just made some noise as a part of their operation. For example, dishwashers just made swishing sounds when they ran. Washing machines made slopping sounds when they washed. Dryers just made spinning noises. They couldn’t help themselves. It was just in their nature.

And alas, some appliances made NO noise, bless their hearts. Toasters, for example, just well, quietly toasted toast, except, of corse, when they were done, they’d pop the slices with a final quiet snappy burst. That made a little noise. But they couldn’t help themselves. That was just what they did.

It’s all different now. Today’s devices are created with micro-processors in them. They are created to act like spoiled children.

My toaster doesn’t quietly toast. It blinks while toasting. I guess I could ignore that. But I can’t ignore the high-pitched shrill piercing whistle when it’s finished scorching my bread. It’s about as pleasant as a pointed stick through my eardrum.

“Just make my toast and leave me alone! I don’t want to know the progress of the burn marks. I don’t need data on the completion stage of your process. When you’re done just pop my toast. I don’t need any more verification than that. I don’t want beeps. I don’t need blinking. Ejecting the slices is fine. My dad was fine with that, my grandfather was fine with that, I’m fine with that.”

I wish I knew how to shut the sound off, besides using a sledge hammer that is.

I have an electric toothbrush that blinks. Why?

“Why do you have to blink when I set you back into your rechargeable holder? My previous one didn’t. You’re nothing like my previous child. And why do you have to have a purple light? Why do you tormented me with your blinking purple recharging light? Why do you demand my constant attention? I have other appliances to attend to you know. I can’t give you exclusive focus. I don’t care if you ARE recharging! Just do it quietly, faithfully, and unobtrusively. I’ll get back to you when I need you again.”

These appliances are not just annoying. They are intrusive.

I’m making a new bumper sticker: Stamp Out Intrusive Appliances Now!

There ought to be a law.

Household electric appliances actually run on smoke. We know this because when the smoke escapes, they quit working.