Thursday, August 02, 2007

Spotting the slow ones

rock entry
Originally uploaded by daveterry.
It's fairly easy to spot the slow drivers, even from a distance, once you get the hang of it.

It is said that you can always tell what folks are not from these parts by the way they carry themselves. You can also tell what kind of driver you have in front of you by the way they drive.

When I'm barreling down the highway looking for the fast way to my destination, I can always spot the slow pokes. If you use my key signs, you'll spot them from afar and will be able to avoid them too.

So here is my list of indicators that you have a snail on the road:

1) You can't see the driver from behind. This is key. If the back of their head hardly clears the headrest, you've got a turtle in front of you. Guaranteed.

2) Sidewinder. This is a car that is going down the highway diagonally. You've seen these guys. Maybe it's been in a crash and the frame is bent. Who knows? But the car is headed down the highway pointed askew. It ain't going straight and it usually ain't going fast.

3) Encrusted bird droppings on back window (or all windows). The car has been sitting long under some tree. The deiver doesn't get out much. And it's a sure sign that the driver can't see out. They are oblivious to all the other cars on the road. They think they are the only driver in the universe. That's why they drive in the highway's center lane doing about 25 mph.

4) Trunk key hole uncovered. This usually indicates general inattention. The older cars, and all snail drivers drive old cars, have those little metal covers that flick over the keyhole in the trunk. Car manufactures have long since done away with these things in the interest in cutting cost. They became extinct about the time of the dinosaurs. But the slow drivers seem to all have them.

5) Missing hubcaps. This is a key indicator. If the car has one or more missing hubcaps, chances are you're behind grandpa. How can you see the side of the wheels of the car in front of you? See #2.

6) Animated talking to passenger. These people believe that there are only two people in the universe.

7) 10 and 2. These old drivers are not trying to steer the car, they're only holding on. One hand at the 10 o'clock and the other at 2. Blue hair usually comes with a 10 and 2 grip. (This combination is sometimes referred to as: blue-hair-10-and-2.)

I'm going to start walking more. Less stres and less snails on the road. Of course, you may see them in the garden.

Earlier this week we went for a walk and found this charming doorway you see above.

“Middle Age - When you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go.”